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What we have here is a little or should I say a long description of the second trip that we took to the States in 1999.

London, UK - Saturday 20/8/99

We awoke bright and early for the cab ride to Heathrow at 5:15 a.m. and were happily aboard the plane by 9:15. We were told our private entertainment systems weren't working and received £15 vouchers to buy books and magazines with in compensation. Whoooopee doo! We weren't seated together either, but we were told we could request to be re-seated later which we did. The first reseating took place almost immediately as we were re-seated in another couples' seats. Said couple then proceeded to turn up and we were then re-seated again elsewhere, separately. The third time we were re-seated we were pleased to find we now had working entertainment systems. Bargain! So, after an invigorating game of musical chairs we finally took off. Prior to take off I had noticed that the plane was making some weird noises the likes of which I hadn't heard before, so my plan was to get drunk as soon as possible. I don't think a situation has been invented which can't be dealt with after a quadruple Bloody Mary and a couple of beers. Well lubricated I was soon in dreamland. I woke later to enjoy half of 'The Mummy' and then half of another movie and then the other half of 'The Mummy'. From time to time throughout the duration of the flight and when the air staff weren't busy cleaning up after the passengers, we were fed snacks and Budweiser. We landed safely in LA despite all the weird noises and all the Americans applauded. It was almost as though they were surprised that we made it at all. What an achievement. The pilot… landed the plane! Wow! How cool is that? Let's all clap!

Los Angeles

We hired a car and had to find a place to stay for the first night. Jet lag had kicked in and I needed to get off the road pronto as I was beginning to make silly mistakes. Drove around for a while still luckily avoiding an accident and ended up on the Sunset strip near the Viper Room for some of the best Mexican take away in California, well at least the best I had ever tasted.. OK, actually it might not have been the best, but we were hungry and it tasted damn fine if it's all the same to you? Beef burritos are delicious anyway, but they're that much more scrumptious when you're ravenous. Drove down Santa Monica Boulevard looking for a hotel. Tried the same one as last time but because it was holiday season everything seemed to be full. Eventually found room at the 'Comfort Inn'. There was a heated pool and a free continental breakfast for about $60.00. So we immediately signed up for a double!! Collapsed for a few hours and then woke up periodically between 12am and 7pm as the jet lag wreaked its merry havoc upon ur body clocks. Woke one final time, went for a swim and after showering, set off in search of the famed 'continental breakfast'. Upstairs were a bunch of very overweight, porky looking Americans availing themselves of the large selection of sticky donuts, coffee, juice, toast and fruit. We picked at some of the stuff and then hit the Interstate Freeway 10 and then 15 bound for Las Vegas.

Las Vegas

The town just before Vegas is named Barstow. Stopped here at 'Del Taco' for a Burrito (noticed a daily Burrito habit developing) and the infamous 'Starbucks' for a double Espresso which I noticed were now being called 'Dopio Espressos' don't you know? Very Encino, even out here in the desert. Also, there always seems to be a tip jar or paper cup with the slightly corny words: 'Thanks A Latte' emblazoned on the side wherever you one (or even two) tried to buy coffee. The sun was beating down and the temperature had just hit 96 degrees. Welcome to hell!! You may sign in over there next to the lady with the tail and the pitchfork in her hair.

Back on the highway there seemed to be more 4x4's than usual. The extra large type some with double wheels at the back and all of which, if you were unfortunate enough to end up behind, completely obscured all vision of the road ahead. All around desert plains stretched out into nothingness. Tufts of grass dotted the baking, grey sand and mountainous outback. As the temperature began to rise, mirages snaked across the highway into the distance. The dial on the air conditioner indicated 105 and then 110 degrees outside. The road seemed to pierce the desolation endlessly and then all at once as the last hill gave way, a jewel on the horizon. A diamond embedded in the earth silhouetted against the hazy blue skyline, Las Vegas. As the road grew shorter the city grew larger and more distinct. Tall, shiny hotels sprung as freshly watered buds from a crystal flower. As the buildings took shape roads, trees, cars and planes found their places and it wasn't long before the car lunged headlong up Las Vegas Boulevard. As the city unfolded and offered itself two words kept repeating over and over in my mind: "Fucking Hell!". The place is so large and so spacious one feels like an tiny ant in a megalopolis ant farm. I scanned the map for the Luxor hotel and as I glanced up it hit me like a ton of gold bricks. Right before my very eyes, an ominous black pyramid gleamed in the sunlight from between the other hotels, super large billboards and extravagant neon signs. Circling the building for an entrance was like circumnavigating one of the great Pyramids at Giza. The structure is outrageously large and houses an Imax cinema, over 120,000 square feet of casino, numerous restaurants, shops and entertainment areas as well as having well over 5000 rooms. After finding a place for the car, we checked in and collapsed on the bed in the spacious room with angled windows overlooking the pools, hot tubs below and the rest of Las Vegas Boulevard with McCarren International Airport in the distance. The top of the pyramid is a light house and there are runway style white lights zipping up and down the length of the four sides at night. Unpacked and headed downstairs to the casino where the glittering lights, smooth card sharks and kinky cocktail waitresses waited to dazzle, delight and entice to the percussive sounds of ticking slot machines, clattering coins and clinking glasses.

Yesiree Bob! It's all about delights here man. De-'Vegas'-lights. So we fiddled around on the tables and slots for a while. Beers were 3 or 4 dollars a piece until we discovered how to get 'free' drinks. All you do is simply ask a cocktail waitress for your beverage of choice and providing you feign gambling of some sort she will bring you whatever your bleeding heart desires. And then you'd better tip her or else she won't make the next appearance in 20 mins time when your drink has been drunk. And why is this so ladies and gentlemen? Well simply because drunk people are far more likely to part with their hard earned cash than sober members of the community. Too many cocktails later your intrepid gambling wonderer ended up with a tidy little stack of chips amounting to 90 dollars. It had been a hard evenings Roulette for the beginner gambler and he felt quite pleased with the state of his fuzzy head and the state of his pocket and decided to call it a night. Bearing in mind, I had been drinking and gambling hard, putting much thought into each bet placed, speaking to the ball, hypnotising the numbers and using all my magical powers and with all this concentration, had not realised just how badly I needed the lavatory. Casinos in general are huge, this particular one spanned a mammoth 120,000 square feet. They are also designed to keep the visitors in and not out. So, finding one's way out in a hurry is indeed very difficult. The lights and layout have been shrewdly designed so as to be disorientating to the human being. So after realising I needed to go badly I rushed around like a mad idiot desperately seeking a restroom. Finally, the 'little man' sign. I made a peeline, sorry beeline. Feeling like a night on the town, we tottled up to our room and promptly fell asleep by 9pm. To us it seemed much later, but we had only started gambling at about 15:00 and we were fair worn out. During the night I woke periodically to remind myself I was sleeping on the 5th floor of a pyramid and to guzzle gallons of water in a vain attempt to ward off the hangover which seemed certain to herald the dawn of a new day. .

Sunday 21/8/99

Monday 22/8/99

Up at 5am watching TV as is our normal practice when jetlagged in the US of A. Kung Fu workout at 6:00 and by 7am were sitting downstairs at the Pharoah's Pheast, chugging down fresh fruit and yoghurt, pate, cream cheese, coffee, juice, omelette, Denver omelette, eggs Benedict, peach crepes, apple pancakes, hand made to order omelettes, chipolatas, bacon, bagels and hash browns all rounded off with more coffee. These Americans sure know how to make a guy feel welcome and all for only $9.95 a head. I find most Americans quite sickeningly polite if there can be such a thing. They also eat like there really is no tomorrow, or next meal for that matter. I'll bet that's why there's no food in some parts of the world. It's very unevenly distributed I find. Nipped back through the casino, because to get anywhere in the hotel or even in Vegas itself, you always have to go through some part of the casino and dutifully dropped a few coins into the beckoning slots en route back to the room. Through the window I could see the swimming pool which was pretty much set out like an oasis. I think there were 5 pools in all. Two very large and rather shallow pools where no diving is allowed, and a few outdoor hot tubs or jacuzzis as we prefer to call them here in the rest of the world. All this in the shade of the large, glinting, black glassed pyramid surrounded by palm trees. Stepping outside for the first time it was easy to find Las Vegas Boulevard and we made our way down to the MGM Hotel, where could be found the marvellous Monorail which would take passengers to all the other casinos and hotels and probably downtown eventually I can't remember. Bound for the Bally(the pinball/slot machine company) hotel which has made numerous famous appearances in Hollywood movies and finally coming to rest at Ceasar's Palace which is a stupendously large hotel which comes equipped with its own shopping mall. This shopping mall was the chosen destination for the day. No one bothered explaining just how many casino mazes you have to find your way through in order to get to the mall though. Had I known that I would probably just as well have stayed in my pyramid. Well we finally made it and found an array of shops such as Virgin Records, one of those small lingerie stores run by a lady who was an ex UK fashion expert with jangly jowls, a full on Poseidon production complete with flashing lights, fire, video and explosions right there in the shopping centre. After watching people stuff themselves with ice cream, chili dogs and all nature of fried food we found ourselves on the Boulevard once again and realised that our trek through the endless stretch of casinos and lines of people could have simply been avoided by taking a 5 minute walk down the boulevard. Still we took it upon ourselves to investigate three or so other casinos and then decided that the Luxor was the best hotel of the lot anyway. The hotel next door was the Excalibur and it came complete with King Arthur & The Knights of the round table and 'Medieval Times' theme. It was via this conduit that we made our way back to the Luxor through a convenient and almost secret connecting passage. Stopped in for a quick tattoo along the way and then hit the casino to unwind from a strenuous days walking and shopping. What a life!! As 6pm rolled around we made our way to the Sacred Sea room for oysters, stuffed prawns and a seafood stew. It was a lovely atmosphere complete with over courteous waiters, delicious starters, bread and salad. Hit the casino for some free drinks and a bit of gambling to round off the meal. Won and lost pretty much the same and retired at about 10:30 when we just couldn't take the pace anymore. Jet lag seemed to have levelled out somewhat.


Tuesday 23/8/99

Woke at 6 or 7am a reasonable time for a change. Stopped by at the Pharoahs Pheast for another sprawling buffet breakfast with a selection of cream cheese the likes of which I have never experienced. There were all flavours from cinnamon, to peach, to salmon and chocolate chip. Say...didn't I see you here yesterday? So we decided to hit the spa which was complimentary with the hotel booking. Had a little workout, went into the men's room for a sauna, none of this coed stuff here, that would be far to un PC. Realising most of the men were unashamedly naked I decided to follow the old adage 'When in Rome...or America for that matter '.. so I stripped down to a towel and headed for the sauna. I had neglected to take into account the fact that all the humans in the shower were Chinese and so to preserve their honour found it necessary to wear swimming trunks. So I sat there honourless in my towel until I had had enough heat and went for a splash in the hot tub where I sat naked and alone sipping my complimentary fruit juice. The gym was largely uninspiring and I couldn't seem to get the treadmill to run or even jog. It seemed the heat had affected the machine's circuitry to such an extent that when I said I wanted to jog, it simply wheezed mechanically and said: 'Not on your nelly mate, it's too hot for that.' So I went back to the room to get my things for the pool experience. Spent a good few hours sweating in the sun surrounded by porn stars, obese holiday makers and children who were flirting, feeding and squeaking respectively. We switched sun beds and pools and discovered the cocktail menu. It started to dawn on me that I was frizzling up inside and needed liquid in a hurry and what better liquid to quench the thirst of a visitor to the Americas than your friendly neighbourhood Australian beer Fosters. One Fosters and a Pina Colada in the pool later we had had enough and headed back to the hotel room for a two hour sleep. The steak house was to host the evening meal which consisted of half a dozen large oysters, followed by a 6 or 7 cm high filet mignon with a salad and blue cheese dressing, then on to the casino at about 10 or 11pm for a frantic evening of Roulette and assorted money wastages. We sat there playing slowly and methodically whilst immersing our brains in a pool of Southern Comfort/Jack Daniel's and Coronas. I won $40 and then promptly lost it again. By the end of the evening I had managed to beef up my stash to a healthy $120 having only made an outlay of 20 bucks. A profitable evening indeed. One more quick drink which I didn't finish and then back to dreamland at 3am. Woke at 6:30 convinced that now would be an excellent time to take photos as the sun rose over the pyramid. Had something of a hangover, but that didn't seem to deter me in the slightest. 1 1/2 hours later I was back in bed, then up again at 8:45 for breakfast. Decided to avoid the Pharoah's Pheast and went instead to visit the Nile Deli, but once there figured spending 7 bucks on a sandwich just wasn't worth it. Was that me placing $10 and $20 bets at a time on the Roulette table last night, yet all of a sudden a 7 dollar munchie was 'expensive'? Call me peculiar! The sanctity of the MacDonald's 3 buck sausage and egg Macmuffin was to provide the morning's sustenance, but only really because I knew where lunch would be celebrated. Ah yes, at Hamada's the sushi restaurant which I had been eyeing stomach rumblingly since our arrival. It was conveniently situated within the confines of the hotel funnily enough. Is there anything that they don't have here? Out of a total stay of about 4 days it had become a micro world within a world and the 'outside' now seemed like a perilous place to be avoided at all cost. It was no longer necessary to leave the hotel for anything. After a suitably unsuccessful breakfast we went upstairs to the entertainment area. There were two things on the agenda. The Imax theatre called 'Secrets of the Pharoah's Tomb' and the Imaginator: a virtual reality type ride called 'In Search of the Obelisk'. The Imax presentation was stunning. I hadn't realised that Egypt was a land with much greenery and it reaches almost jungle like proportions at the Nile Delta. I always envisioned a country surrounded by desert plains, dust and camels, just like the pictures of the pyramids. The movie was splendidly filmed and the dialogue impeccably written and explained the curse of the mummy's tomb in a logical and Vulcan-like manner. It was narrated by Omar Sharife who set about explaining the curse to his granddaughter. The Imaginator ride was little less impressive. More of an extravagant kiddies attraction it was introduced by a bovine-looking teenage girl with a voice like a squeaky gate. The ride itself was a very jerky and bumpy experience guaranteed to shake the fillings from your teeth and the teeth from your head and your head from your shoulders.
Lunchtime and the sushi restaurant was next on the cards. We sat at the bar and a funny little chef greeted us and for the next half an hour kept uttering strange little pidgeon phrases through a mouthful of yellow oddly positioned teeth such as: Susi? No Susi? No Hungly? No like Susi? The problem was he wanted to build us a deluxe sushi platter and all we wanted was a snack, so every little thing we ordered seemed to disappoint him even more. Finally a couple appeared to the left of us and ordered the damn sushi platter. He took an immediate shine to them and set about making a wondrous platter occasionally sneering in our direction when he thought we weren't looking. Well no it wasn't quite that bad.


Wednesday 24/8/99

That night we checked into the casino with the intention of blowing some serious cash, having some free drinks and then taking a bus downtown to Freemont Street to see the lights, casinos and perhaps investigate some clubs. Now the first part of the bargain was easily achievable in that I set aside $100 to blow and started off losing $40 of it fairly rapidly. I won that back and went on to a grand profit of $220 by the end of the evening. Unfortunately the only way to gamble successfully as I have now found is to get suitably plastered in the process and that's what happened with the result that Fremont Street glowed brightly to itself in the distance, but alas we were too tired to even find a bus by the end of the evening. The reason we gambled for so long was that when you play roulette each player has different colour chips and mine just happened to be this attractive lime green colour. Now the table only has a certain amount of each colour of chip before they start cashing them in and giving out 5, 10, 25 and 100 dollar chips. My goal for the evening had been to bankrupt the dealer of all the lime green chips and instead of me asking them for chips they would have to ask me to give some back. I came within like 5 chips of getting the whole lot. I had a veritable pile of chips next to me. 200 something all in all, but try as I might I couldn't win the remaining 5. After losing and winning within inches of the bounty I decided to call it a night and cashed my chips in. The dealer gave me 2x$100 chips. Damn those felt good. I stood and stared at them for a while before cashing them in. During the course of the evening we had various dealers. They change dealers every so often to make sure nobody is cheating. There are also video cameras all over the place. We had one lady who only smiled once. She was a tough cookie but I won the most with her. Then we had a chatty guy who was very into his job. He would call out the number and colour and type of number each time the ball landed. For example 9, red, odd came out 'red hot nine' to the untrained ear. 6, black and even came out 'siixxblackinevil'. An interesting thing to note about Roulette, it is known as the Devil's game because if you add up all the numbers on a roulette table they total 666. Oh and one other thing I ended up with that night besides extra cash in my pocket was another relentless hangover. On leaving Las Vegas I had decided that those free drink toting cocktail waitresses in their little French maid uniforms were indeed a curse. We needed some fuel as in our haste to get gambling we had neglected to have supper, so at 3am hobbled to the fast food level for a cheese burger which made a grand re-appearance 30 mins later upstairs as it stampeded its way into the toilet bowl. Zzzzzzz.


Thursday 25/8/99

Up bright and early and went down to the pool. Aaah, the warm sunshine + cool water. Marrrrrvellous. I would have stayed there sleeping all day but we needed to check out. On the way back to the room I discovered the sandwich shop. It had been there all the time but I hadn't been this hung over in all the time I'd been there. So I bought a couple of beef n cheese white bread sandwiches. They tasted so inviting I felt I could have slept in them. I looked keenly at the label to see what was inside them and nearly keeled over with laughter when I noticed the words: WARNING: 'May contain lettuce.' Seemed curious to me to have such a spurious message. Well, we made the sandwich but at the time of manufacture we're not entirely sure if some lettuce may or may not have found its way within. So be careful. This is a random lettuce sandwich. Said goodbye to the pyramid and checked out. Popped in to the MGM hotel to get some items from the little magic shop I'd discovered and then drove downtown to Fremont Street. It was SO hot. 109degrees outside. Found a little parking and then walked up and down Fremont street shopping and wandering into casinos for the odd flutter. Found the world famous 99c cocktail casino and had one of the most delicious shrimp cocktails ever. The shrimp were pink, crisp and clean and the sauce spicy. Damn tasty indeed and served in an ice cream Sunday style glass. Yummmmmy!! Well worth the stop!!

[But wait! There's more... California 1999 part 2]