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Joshua Tree Thursday 25/8/99

Hit the interstate 15 Southbound for 29 Palms and Joshua Tree. How cool is that name? 29 Palms!! Not 50 Palms or 100 Palms… 29 of them, precisely. Stopped at a junction to ask directions as the map sure as hell didn't know where we were going. Now this junction was in the middle of nowhere. The people that worked at the supermarket, which happened to be the only shop in the vicinity, didn't seem very well travelled at all. In fact when we asked them the way to Joshua Tree which was a mere 3 hour drive away, most of them said they had heard of it but had never been there. "Been here all my life! Never have been nowhere else", type mentality. However it was curious to note that each person asked seemed to know someone who had been there, though I'm quite sure this is similar to the Indian rope trick in that everyone knows of someone who has seen it, but nobody has ever seen it themselves. To elaborate quickly, if one can do such a thing, the Indian rope trick is performed thus. A conjurer throws a seemingly normal piece of rope into the air. The rope becomes rigid and stands upright. A small boy then climbs the rope and disappears into a cloudy mist at the top. Another man with a large knife climbs up after him and the boy's limbs and body fall from the mist to the ground. The man with the knife then climbs down and the limbs are collected in a bag. Man and bag both disappear up the rope and then the boy re-appears from the mist and the man after him. So in the end nobody could verify the direction we were supposed to travel in and we left the shop before the zombies turned on us. (The whole incident was a bit like being on the set of Night of the Living Dead). Luckily we found a hidden road to the east, which turned out to match with another seemingly unrelated part of our map, and we arrived in 29 Palms a few hours later. We overshot our hotel by about 20 miles and finally checked in later that evening. The hotel was unique in that some of the rooms were themed. There was the Cave Room or an Art Deco room, our was The Bermuda Triangle. Each room also sported a gorgeous jumbo sized spa bath or Jacuzzi, complete with champagne glasses and scented bubble bath. Wow!! Extreme bonus. We watched some TV and hit the sack exhausted. Woke early enough and the first thing we discovered when we went to get coffee was that we had been undercharged for the room. A rather overweight blonde owner, who reminded me of a particular landlord of ours in London, said that the guy who booked us in was new and he had undercharged us $59 for a $99 room.. There was nothing she could do now but if we wanted to stay the second night it wuz gonna cost us baby!



119 Fahrenheit = 48 degrees Celsius
Friday 26/8/99

Well for some reason we decided to stay. Went to collect our free breakfast and turned out to be the only guests left in the Motel at all. Breakfast comprised itself of cerials in a plastic cup, juice, coffee and old fruit. We didn't eat much and would have hit the road in search of a good breakfast, but instead hit the road in search of horse breeders. We found the farm, but the only living beings for miles around were the 5 horses. Went to the tack shop looked at the notice board and found 'Lucky Bar M Ranch'. We drove there but first managed to get lost in an area which reminded me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: deserted farmhouses, dusty roads and the kinds of rivers people get murdered by. Finally we found the right address. Elke was introduced to Steve + Peanut (guess which one was the horse?) and made arrangements for the next day. With rumbly stomachs we hit the road and went to Sizzlers for a steak and then back to the hotel for a refreshing swim in the pool. Later at about 1600 exactly we ventured into Joshua tree National Reserve to take some pikshures check out the sunset. We came across an obese caterpillar and watched with much interest as it waddled it's green and yellow way across the desert sand. We stopped at the side of the road and met a coyote. Not sure if it was Wile E. Coyote, probably not, but he was sweet all the same. Actually nothing like the cartoon. And the same goes for the roadrunners, nothing like the cartoon, more like boring chickens. They got some mighty interesting looking trees in Joshua Tree. If you've ever seen one you will know what I mean. Stop 6?? The sun set and we made our way back to 29 Palms to Din Ho for some Chinese food. Had Szechuan scallops and mixed veg. Delicious. Went back to the Oasis and watched a Manson Biography from the comfort of the big bubbly hot tub.

Saturday 27/8/99

Woke at 6:30 and got Elke ready. Drove to 'Lucky Bar M' and met Peanut and the family which included 2 Steve's and a goat with a very strange name which has subsequently been forgotten. They went riding, I went back to the hotel and did god knows what for a few hours and then picked Elke up at 9:30. One Steve was a country and western singer and wanted me to play his steel string. I gave him a dirty look and said I had no intention of doing such a thing. The other Steve helpfully gave us directions to San Diego and on the way we stopped at Dennys for a pancake breakfast. Drove to San Diego in record time and checked into the Hotel Del Coronado.

San Diego

The hotel Del Coronado is a world famous hotel and as such is a very expensive hotel. It reminded me of someone who was once famous, and relied on that to keep them going the rest of their lives. Its the hotel where Marilyn Monroe's, 'Some Like It Hot' was filmed. It is a nice hotel, nice room, nice bar, but certain luxuries were not close to hand.. like… no coffee machine (bummer!). It is also very creaky and was probably built by the British as the walls and floors seemed to be suffering from serious warpage. We walked around the hotel to familiarise ourselves with the layout. There were bloody weddings evrywhere. It seems like the only other place in Amercia where people come to get married, besides Vegas, is here. As San Diego is quite close to the Mexican border there's a large Mexican populous and we went out in search of a meal and ended up settling for Mexican munchies. Pretty damn tasty they were too. The restaurant had an outdoors area layed out in a kind of garden style with vines and flowers and wooden fences and such and was frequented by, among other things, hordes of sparrows and assorted twittering little birds. "Hmmm, disease mongers…", I kept thinking. There were Coronas of course too and we duly drank several. Sated, we decided to explore and found a bus which was headed downtown. We were on a kind of island and had to drive across a long bridge into town. We boarded the bus destined for Broadway and 3rd. Once there we found a few things, CD store, mall, and plenty of pubs. Annoyingly, almost every single pub we went into we had to produce ID. I didn't have any with me so I was refused entry on a number of occasions. Look for fux sake, I do not LOOK under twenty one, I am NOT under twenty one, so why would anyone THINK I am under twenty one? 'Think' being the operative word. Finally slipped into Moose McGillycuddy's for a refreshing pint of Budweiser on tap. Elke bought the beer using her ID. Afterwards we walked up 4th, down 5th and up 6th and discovered 'The Mall' where wherein there lay one hot mama of a chilli shop. Exchanged a few dollars for a few bottles of chilli and went to the Hard Rock Café. They refused to serve me without ID. Bastards!! So we hopped on the bus @ 11:11 and came back to the hotel. Passed out again from exhaustion.


Sunday 28/8/99

Woke at 8:30...aaaah finally learning when to wake up. Struggled downstairs not really sure of what to expect fro breakfast. The hotel buffet was $34.95 and we though "Fuck that shit!" We walked outside to the hotel beachfront promenade thing and found a bunch of Clarify people who as I have neglected to explain were there for the same reason that Elke was there and for the same reason that we were able to stay at such an d expensive hotel for free which was business. They were leaving except for Ole, so we sat down with him and ordered pancakes, poached eggs, sausages, juice and the usual soup bowl of coffee. The eggs were soupy + the sausage looked like doggy doo on a string. Not quite what you'd expect at $13.95 a crack but we were hungry and thought "Whut the fuck!" Now I must add that the hotel is LARGE. It is also wooden and must've either been warped by the weather or as previously mentioned, been built by the British or even perhaps Mexican tequila or peyote addicts because there is not a straight floor in the building. It's nice enough otherwise though. The people here are a lot more attractive than the humans in Nevada. In other words a lot less fat, although there was still a fair amount of cellulite in the vicinity. They do seem fairly short though, but at least they look good. So after breakfast we hit the beachfront for a quick walk and then back to the hotel room. Nipped down to the spa, picked up a 3 day pass and a massage and then to the main road to hire a bike. Hired a well balanced bike from the bike shop and proceeded on my way around the island. Elke was in a meeting all day and I followed the route all the way around until I reached the ferry landing bay. The island itself is pretty heavenly as heavenly things go. Palm trees adorn each and every street, little water fountains and pools add a sparkle to the promenades. People mostly drive convertables, 4 wheel drives or something white and sporty with an open top. The place has an underlying feeling of tranquillity about it. No sex, drugs or rock n roll here, just smiley happy people and oodles of Mexican food. Sun, fun and good times. Is this the great American daydream? OK, so I circled the island once… Oh, did I mention that this was an island? Well, I rode up and down the beachfront a few times + then stopped at Costa Azul Coronado for a Long Island Ice Tea and a beer to wile away the afternoon. God, the sun was hot, but it felt warm on my skin. Mmmmmm. At 16:10 I still had some time until I had to return the mountain bike so I ordered another beer. Waitresses here seem adept at carrying large trays of Mexican food and drinks at strange angles. I mulled over the idea that for the first time I might actually end up with a better tan that Elke. I also had a feeling that by the time I had to leave I would know the place very well as it is not very big. A piece of paradise, a mini Hawaii perhaps. So I rode up and down the beach a couple more times and then took the bike back. Walked back to the hotel and had a little lie down. At 6:30 went to Brigantines across the road. It was happy hour so we had 2x6 oysters and some Brigantine brews followed by margaritas. We had the tuna steak with a garden salad which we washed down with some more brews. Then we walked back to the sundeck to join the cocktail party which was by all accounts over. Mrs American Clarify person tried to toss us out as we looked too…. …cool. The bar was closed so we adjourned to the lounge and sucked back some cold Coronas and tequila. I went to bed early and Elke followed later with a slightly bigger hangover.


Monday 29/8/99

Woke at 8am and slowly started putting my day together. As I jogged on the Trotter manufactured by Cybex gazing out over the Pacific into the endlessness, it struck me that I would possibly be better off jogging on the beach with my toes tripping through the sea water than running on this treadmill, hamster fashion. Amazingly, on one of the 7 TV sets positioned alongside the treadmills a frighteningly ugly woman with skin like a volcano and an even uglier nose was demonstrating how to make full fat cheesecake and assorted pastries. After my electronic jog I went for a shower, a sauna, a steam bath and a jacuzzi. Then, bored I headed back to the hotel room where I watched a bit of 'Men In Black' the movie. The Elke got off her course early and we hit the pool for some fun, fatties and a fairly expensive coke. After that we showered and went in search of a nice meal. We hopped on a bus and headed for downtown San Diego in search of a sushi bar. Found Sagan's and ordered mixed sushi, nigiri and sake. It was cheap, cheerful and delicious which made a change from what we had eaten in Vegas. After that we walked around, went to Sam Goody's for more CD's nosed around The Mall. Most of the places were closed at that late stage of the evening though so we caught an early bus back to the island and watched TV.


Tuesday 30/8/99

We got up early and went for a walk on the beach where loads of US Air Force guys were performing manouvers in boats and jogging up and down like lines of ants on the beach. Went to the Coronado bakery for a muffin and espresso which I absent mindedly left on the counter and had to go back in search of once we had found a place to sit. Back to the room afterwards and down to the gym for a workout and a massage. Wow!! My masseuse's name was Reeni or something. She was pretty good and held up a towel for 'my privacy' as she called it. Had the usual steam and jacuzzi afterwards and loads of alcohol-free margarita which I later discovered was Gatorade or something similar. Well OK it was just lemon citrus mixture, but it tasted so much like the local margaritas. Spent the afternoon at the pool again, what a surprise. The sun disappeared and a large fat ugly woman and her husband came to sit next to me. Her cough scared me back to the hotel room. Collected Elke and went to the Mexican place for a little munchie, 2 beers and margarita happy hour and then caught the bus into town. Went to the CD store and the sex shop. Walked into Hooters. My fucking god! OK so most of the chix are a little overweight but they're extremely well proportioned, especially in the hooter area and they serve you beer while you watch baseball? Let's call them healthy American gals. You can almost smell the testosterone in there. There's a ball game running on like 27 TV's and a large in house cinema screen. The guy on the screen is chewing a big wad of pink gum with big open mouth chews and periodically breaks into a frenzied bubble blowing session where anything can happen. Batters, pitchers all wearing uniforms its the Mets versus some other team; the Robins or something silly. My waitress comes by and flirtatiously asks me what I'd like. "I'll have a Corona please", I reply as a giant hunk of American flesh at the table across from me thumps his fist onto the table in enthusiasm about some or other excitement on the overhead tele. The tables around him including mine shake as though struck by an earthquake. I suck my beer back smiling to myself as the orange hot pants booties wiggle to and fro past my table. Bear in mind I'm wearing black jeans, black t-shirt and silver jewellery. Not totally gothic looking, but still I do not fit in at all with the sportswear department figurines at the adjacent tables. I finish up and make a beeline for the door. I trudge up and down the street until I find a pub called 'The Field', an Irish pub run by a guy called Dan and a barman called Paddy. I find a nice comfy seat at the bar and begin a long line of MFD's (Millers Fine Drafts). In walks Dana and her friend who looks not entirely unlike a failed pornstar cum stripper who can barely stand up. To my right we have a dude who grew up in LA and whose name still escapes me. He sees his chance and begins to chat up the two lovelies. Next thing I know, Dana who is pig dog ugly has been told that my hair looks better than hers and begins badgering me about what secret shampoo I use. I was getting kinda drunk and quite out of character for me, I decided to make idle conversation with any and everyone in the vicinity. I half decided to leave and ventured outside whereupon I met this airforce dude. Then a zimbabwian/SA attourney and his cute wife from Nwarlians came by. She thrives on attention and soon there are a gaggle of men surrounding the couple...ok well the wife. Inside the porn star gal and the guy from LA, whose name is still on the run with my tongue in hot pursuit, are sitting on each other's laps at the bar. Yes simultaneously!! I decide to make my escape and make off in the direction of the bus stop. Back at the hotel, there's merriment afoot in the Clarify camp. In the lounge the Corona's are a flowing and horny drunkards are vaiing for the attentions of the lovely Elke. I head for bed but not before raiding the mini bar and scoffing a snickers bar.

Wednesday 1/9/99

Thursday 2/9/99

Woke early and watched Star Trek after which I dutifully went to gym and had a good workout. Hit the pool for the afternoon and then found that I had been cordially invited to pop down to the Charterhouse with the non-American sector of Clarify. We sat with the Germans and snacked an Ahi tuna starter, Caesar salad, a mungus New York Strip (steak), finishing off the whole ordeal with some key lime pie. I had been in search of Key Lime Pie like the one the opening scenes of Natural Born Killers for some time. The infamous Key Lime Pie was to make a welcome return in our next visit to the States in Florida in 2002, but that's another story. Sadly this time it was the gourmet style so it wasn't all green as it should have been. I went back to the hotel room and Elke went partying. She crept in at some unearthly hour and I couldn't sleep anyway something was making me twitch. So we woke at 5:30 and made ready for the trip to LA.

Friday 3/9/99

Drove like hell and got there early. It did take 2 hours though to find the place and all. Dropped the car at the hire place and headed for the airport on the shuttle provided by Dollar Car Rentals. We checked in 2 hrs early and hit duty free. Again I had forgotten how silly the system is. We did some shopping and then had it confiscated until we were ready to board. We sat down and ate a burger at Dolly's or Tilly's or Dilly's or something and waited ages to board the plane. Once aboard we managed to swap seats with a friendly European woman with colour contact lenses. This must have been the ugly flight as all the stewardesses, waitresses and what have you looked like matrons and ex prison wardens. First class however got the good merchandise. Was it my imagination or had the seats actually started to look really spaced with arm rests, foot rests, head rests, video rests. There were so many rests it seemed like even the rests had rests. The flight home was not an easy one. Everyone was wide awake and sleeping was difficult. The movies were nothing short of crap. The Love Letter was almost endurable and so I almost watched it, then all of a sudden it was breakfast time and breakfast was appalling compared with the gourmet feast we had been given for supper, which was actually lunch if you had been on US time, which we still were and probably would be for a few days to come. Dinner had been a delicious Chinese rib with orange rice and fresh vegetables... well as fresh as they're likely to get on the plane anyway. I can't remember what breakfast was meant to be. We landed on one wheel and everyone clapped as usual.. well ALMOST everyone.... well OK, only the smiley, happy Americans clapped really... everyone else thought the landing was extremely dodgy and were too busy gripping the seat arms to clap. We bobbed and weaved our way through customs and Andrew was waiting to pick us up and fetch the kitties, which we did on the way home.

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