I went out to get some lunch today and opted for the tasty tuna sandwich from a well known chain store which specialises in the creation thereof. The shop is a very successful sandwich outlet which takes great pride in serving hygienically prepared, fresh, healthy sandwiches daily. So I walk in, the tuna sandwich winks at me and so does a chocolate croissant and we all leave together. I take the opportuinity to do some shopping and then head back to work where seated at my desk, I open the sandwich box, remove the tasty item and take a satisfyingly big bite. I'm sitting there masticating and thinking to myself: "That piece of lettuce looks unusually dark." Curiously I push a finger into the darkest bit and recoil in horror. "A, a, a, a goddamn leg! No!... More than one... LEGS!" I realise to my disgust that I have disturbed the final resting place of an enormous, but by now fairly soggy insect. Not your common or garden house or fruit fly either. This particular variety of fly was almost the size of a small bird. I gazed in horror at it's blue, green abdomen, covered in mayonnaise and poked at its lifeless body with one finger whilst hastily spitting out mouthfuls of chewed sandwich and stuffing them back in the box with the other; a look of repulsion frozen across my face.

Back at the sandwich shop I neatly sidestep the lower echelons of the sandwich manufacturing industry and request the presence of the manager directly. The manageress duly appears and I say to her: "Madam. There's a large bug in my sandwich." This must have caught her completely off guard because instead of the usual: "Don't say it so loud, everyone will want one", she replied: "What kind?" This in turn caught me off guard I stared back at her blankly and inquired, "What do you mean? What kind of bug or what kind of sandwich?"
"I meant the sandwich." she replied softly and peered into the bag I was holding open. I took out the sandwich and pointed an accusing finger at 'the corpse'. Her lips peeled away from her teeth as she silently took the package from me and hurriedly disappeared into the kitchen. I don't think she knew quite what to tell me and possibly needed time to think.

Moments later she re-appeared sans sandwich carrying a notepad upon which I slowly scribbled my name, address and telephone number. She informed me that the 'company' would send the offending sandwich off to the lab for analysis to see where the bug came from. Yeah like I gave a fuck about its nationality. They would then contact me and send me a hamper of free stuff or something. (Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about! Bonus!) She then refunded my money and began piling large amounts of free food into my arms including chocolate cake, a peach/banana smoothie and then said I could have my pick of the shelves too. "Anything you want, just take it", she said. That's when I knew for sure, I had them by the goolies. I said I couldn't possibly face another tuna sandwich and would she mind if I helped myself to a Sushi pack? Relieved that I actually wanted to eat something, she said I could have whatever I desired and apologised again saying how she had never seen such a thing in a sandwich and hoped that she never would again. To which I replied, "Well, I'm just glad I noticed it in time." Her fingers straightened and shivering, she grimaced as she repled, "Oh sir, please don't say that."